People’s reluctance to talk about death and end of life planning is completely understandable. It can be hard or uncomfortable, and you might worry about putting a dampener on the day. You might even have the concern that you’re somehow ‘jinxing’ yourself – that if you talk about it, it might happen!
However, talking about funeral planning might just be the most important conversation you’ve never had. Recently, researchers conducted interviews with 1,500 people who have been involved in organising a funeral over the past four years, they found that more than half of people felt under pressure when arranging a funeral. The survey also found that people who know even some of their loved one’s wishes save an average of £335 on funeral costs.*
It’s easy to see, then, how having a conversation about funeral wishes now could not only be a big weight off your mind, but could also help relieve emotional and financial stress from your family and friends later on.
But that’s easier said than done. How does someone actually go about starting this conversation? When should you do it? Where? What words should you use?
We have some ideas that can get things rolling.
When is the best time to start the conversation about funeral planning?
It’s probably best not to call someone up and tell them that you’ve been thinking about death; that could come across as a bit worrying. The conversation starters below can help, or the best thing for you might be to wait until the topic comes up naturally, perhaps after seeing an advert on TV or by talking more generally about memories and life plans as a way of easing into bigger conversations.
You should also ensure that you’re not going to be rushed. It might take some time for the discussion to open up, and then once it does, it could last a while. Try to plan to have this conversation when you can take the time to go over the details you’ve prepared. That way, your loved ones can be sure you’ve really given this some thought.
Where is the best place to talk about funeral planning?
People generally feel more comfortable talking about serious subjects in places that are familiar and private. Worrying about being overheard or trying to talk over others in a public setting doesn’t add to a relaxed atmosphere. Maybe initiate the conversation over a cup of tea in your living room, on a peaceful dog walk, or while you’re doing a favourite hobby together.
What should I say when talking about funeral planning?
Not sure where to begin when talking about funeral planning? Here are a few gentle ways to open the conversation:
‘I’ve been thinking about the future and want to make things easier for you later on.’
‘Can we talk about what you’d want for your funeral? It might give us both peace of mind.’
‘I’ve been looking into funeral plans. It might be something worth thinking about together.’
Start with the funeral planning basics
There’s no need to go over the finer details for a first conversation if you think that would be too overwhelming.
Before you have the discussion, write down what you’d prefer your send-off to look like, so you’re prepared. Start with the basic principles of funeral planning, such as:
- Whether you want a burial or cremation
- Whether you want a service with your loved ones there, or if you would prefer an unattended cremation
- Where you would want the service to be
- Whether the service would be religious or non-religious
Move on to the finer details when the time is right
If you feel ready and your conversation partner seems comfortable so far, you can move to the finer details of funeral planning. These might be easier topics to cover, because you can link them to shared memories or preferences. Some examples of finer details you can bring into your funeral planning conversation might be:
- Who you would like to speak at my funeral
- Whether you want flowers or donations to a charity that’s important to you
- What you would like people to wear
- What songs you would like to be played
- Organising transport for your loved ones to the service (if you’re having one).
- If you’re opting for a burial, share the details of any burial plots you have purchased. If you’re opting for cremation, let your loved ones know what you would like to be done with your ashes. Should they be kept or spread somewhere meaningful?
- Let loved ones know where you keep any important documentation, such as your will, funeral plan or insurance documents.
- If you already have a funeral plan in place, make sure your trusted person knows who your chosen funeral director is when the time comes.
Be honest and be prepared
It’s only natural that people have differences of opinion about highly personal subjects like funeral planning. Be prepared to listen to and respect other people’s views. Let them know the reasons for your choices, so they know that this is something you really want and have put a great deal of thought into. Even if you can’t agree on everything, it’s important to try and see things from other people’s perspectives.
At the end of the day, you’re in control
The most important thing of all to remember is that the conversation about funeral wishes should only take place when and where you feel comfortable. Remember: being sure of your end-of-life wishes will only give you and your loved ones more direction when the time comes. It’s possibly one of the kindest things you can do for yourself - and them.
Want to learn more about funeral planning?
If you want to learn more about funeral plans to start thinking about your conversation, visit our funeral planning page. Alternatively, our friendly, UK-based, experienced team is available from 9am-5pm, Monday-Friday. Give them a no-obligation call, free, on 0800 090 2258.
If you’re ready to talk, find a Golden Charter-approved funeral director in your local area. We’re proud to work with independent funeral directors who are always ready to listen with care and compassion. Remember to look for the Golden Charter seal when choosing a funeral director.
